stigma – Magenta Sex Worker Project

One sex workers open letter to her future mental health professional

A letter to the professional I am about to see for my mental health.

You may be a doctor, a counsellor, a social worker, a support worker, a psychologist or a psychiatrist. I am coming to an appointment and I am very nervous. You see, I am a sex worker. In the past I have seen professionals for my mental health in emergency rooms, therapist offices and doctor offices only to be leave feeling less than. I am writing you this letter as a sex worker, to discuss some of the things you should know.

I have internalised stigma. This means that when you make certain comments, use problematic language, reinforce untrue stereotypes or pass judgement through body language you can reinforce this internal struggle. I know sex work is real work, I know I enjoy it. However, I face the struggle of societies whorephobia and when I am vulnerable someone I am trusting with my mental health can confirm these. I will walk away feeling like my choice of occupation, my life, myself is not worthy of help, is not allowed to be helped. Alternatively, I may walk away assuming you are part of the problem, angry and defiant. This will guarantee that anything helpful I could have taken from this appointment will be disregarded.
Do not make assumptions on my past, present or future. Do not assume that story follows that of stereotypes, pop culture or the other sex worker you met. Let me tell you my story and listen. Do not ask me, in thirty different ways, about the trauma, pressure or drug use that ‘pushed’ me into ‘that line of work’. Trust my answers to your questions the first time.
Try to avoid looking me up and down. It shows you are judging me. This action causes me to assume you are thinking things like ‘people actually pay to touch that thing in front of me’ or I assume you are being incredibly leery and inappropriate. Neither of which make me feel safe with you.
Leaving the sex industry will not magically cure me. I like my job, it allows me to pay to see you and provides me with freedom. Even if I didn’t like my job, pressure to leave can be insurmountable with financial pressures, gaps in my resume and self-doubt. If I want to discuss leaving the industry I will bring it up. I will ask for advice on certain things. Do not be the professional who bases my mental health around my leaving my job.
Your language matters. I may call myself a lot of things. I have been told off by countless professionals for calling myself crazy in your offices. This shows you understand the power of problematic language. Do not use stigmatising language. The accepted term is sex worker. However, if you not sure ask how I would like you to refer to my job.
I have a life, relationships, friendships and commitments outside sex work. If I do not want to discuss sex work in every appointment that is okay. Sex work is not the cause of my mental illness and ignoring the large portion of my life that occurs outside of my work is not going help.
Do not make stigmatising comments or jokes in our sessions. This includes problematic language, pop culture references and anything that reinforces the stigma. This will break my trust and likely result in me leaving your service.

These are seven things I wanted you to know. The final, and to me most important, thing is this; I do not trust you. I am in a position of requiring help with my mental health. I want to get well and understand that honesty will assist this, so I am telling you about sex work. But you need to understand that I don’t trust you. I am going to be difficult, I am going to judge your reactions and comments harshly. Please don’t isolate me by putting any of your moral objections to my occupation onto me.

Understand I will be difficult. I may ask to see your note. I may tell you to not write my occupation down. I might be stubborn. I may cry. If you can’t do these things, if your personal ethics do not allow you to see me as equal then please tell me straight up. I want someone willing to work with me. I want a professional who is willing to listen. I don’t trust you, but I want to.

Sincerely,

The nervous sex worker who is scared you are another professional that is going to betray my trust.

Mental Health and Sex Work; A Magenta staff members personal journey

Anxiety has impacted my life for as long as I can remember. At 18 I left university because of it. With my rent past due, no food in the fridge and a crippling fear of failing at living out of home I borrowed a phone book from the next door neighbour and searched for a brothel. I figured one weekend would cover my expenses while I figured out what I was going to do with my life.

My first shift as a naïve plus size sex worker was terrifying. I had barely any sexual experiences, no confidence and was shaking like a leaf. I was expecting the worst. I found the work easy. Don’t get me wrong, I threw up before my first booking, a horrible physical symptom of my anxiety. But he was lovely, it was a lot of fun and my rent was covered!

Parlours became a refuge from my anxiety. A place where I was normal, where my nervous giggle was appreciated, my anxiety read as adorable. But I faced new triggers, like the question ‘What do you do?’ and ‘how’s work?’. Interacting with friends, family and dating became foreign, scary and I became isolated. Stuck in the fear that people would find out I was a sex worker.

At 20 I had built friendships with other workers and told a few friends. I had a supportive partner. I had become less isolated. I was still an anxious person, however routine, structure and a sense of belonging had made me complacent. I was no longer continuously self-checking my anxiety, or working with it. I was functioning and wholeheartedly believed I was cured.

However, I had put on more weight and what little confidence I had dissipated. Parlours, that once were my safe place, became a place of anxiety. Unstable income, comparing my squishy self to the perfection of my co-workers, fear of losing my regular client and my bosses well intentioned comments on my physical appearance meant my anxiety was back. I retreated into anxiety. I stopped going to work, I spent my savings.

At 21 my supportive and loving partner dragged me kicking and screaming to the emergency department. They knew I was a sex worker. I was admitted to hospital and given referrals to mental health professionals. The next 3 years were me finding mental health professionals who would help me without blaming sex work. Most refused to believe that my anxiety and at the time undiagnosed bipolar could have existed prior to me becoming a sex worker.

Over this period, I transitioned into private work. Which gave me more control and less structure. I used the sex worker community as a place of non-judgemental support. I listened to real advice and took referrals. I also kept working. If I had not of worked I would not of survived. Medications, psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, counsellors, GP’s, gym memberships, good food, a stable place to live all cost money.

Each time a mental health professional blamed my work I would not return and I moved onto the next. Finally, I found people willing to understand that sex work, may be a cause of stress, but so is employment or managing any small business. It was then I was diagnosed with Bipolar, OCD, social anxiety and general anxiety disorder. I had medication, I workshopped coping techniques. I set rules. I found routine.

It took me treating my mental health as my full time job for three years to get to where I am now. It took me fighting to find mental health professionals who would listen and provide non-discriminatory care and building a strong support network to get me to a good place. It took me accepting myself, my sex work, my sexuality, my mental health diagnoses, asserting my boundaries and putting the care of myself as a priority to get well.

Today I consider myself well. I work within my limits, I am aware of my triggers and yes I still get it wrong. Recently I entertained the office with a mismanaged manic episode, but our resources have never been so organised! I check in with myself frequently. I have both firm and flexible boundaries I use to ensure I look after myself. My partner, my GP, my colleagues and my close friends all know that I am a bundle of emotions and support me in looking after myself. Mostly I value my happiness, safety and existence. By placing value on these things I have found a way to work with the slightly atypical nature of my brain.

If you want to chat mental health and sex work, advocating for yourself with mental health professionals or silly self-care techniques (lists FTW!) please pop into Magenta, email me or give me a call.